New year same struggle

Happy New Year friends! It’s been a few months since I updated the group but the reason is there’s no real update. I’m still not pregnant. Woop dee doo! In non-baby related news Mariel has started a masters certificate program to be a Nursing Home Administrator and as usual I couldn’t be more proud. I am the luckiest to have such an intelligent and driven woman by my side. Between our full time jobs, rugby, her school and her internship starting in June, I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands. I do enjoy my alone time but too much and I get all depressed. With that in mind, my plan is to sew, exercise and read more books. I don’t know how to sew so I’m going to start with a few simple patterns and take on more complicated patterns from there. Wish me luck!

So in case you want to hear all the TTC details, we’ve moved onto an anonymous known donor and filled out all the legal paperwork with an attorney. Since our 3 failed IUI’s with frozen sperm, we felt that the missing puzzle piece may have been the fact we’re using frozen goods over fresh. You can’t beat fresh!

Moving on with fresh sperm, insemination #4 in November was a bust…and so was #5 in December. During the two week wait of try #4 I experienced what was called “breakthrough bleeding” and the doctor put me on progesterone suppositories…at first I was like does this go in the front or the back? From now on I have to use those after insemination until I begin my cycle. (or until I get pregnant at which point I’d need to be on them for weeks!)

Looking back we were so confident we’d be pregnant by now. Gearing up for try #6 in February and we’re tired of this but golly are we still hopeful. It has to be our time soon right? RIGHT? The money spent is annoying but that’s nothing compared to the emotional toll it’s taken. I was really really down around the holidays and popping my sisters Xanex like there’s no tomorrow but the last few weeks I’ve felt very calm. (and pill free all you worry warts out there reading this)

A friend raved to me about her acupuncturist so I was like what the hey – I’ll give it a shot. I am so thankful I did because it’s done wonders for my outlook and overall well being. Wonders! We also had another sit down with our doctor and she expressed how hopeful she is for us as well and how confident she is that I will get pregnant. My outlook now is just peace that my time will come. We will be mothers. I am a temple with my door open to all the goodness and positivity the world has to offer.

Try #6 next month will be my first medicated cycle. Doc prescribed me Femara so we’re going to do it. This was suggested to us a few cycles ago but we’ve been hesitant as it increases the chance for multiples and we only want one child, not 3! But at this point, I’m like screw it give me all the babies!

Wish me luck guys. I need a miracle to rain down on me from the heavens.



poem from the heart

Mariel blogs from time to time and I just love her work. She loves to write poems and small blurbs. She won’t ever tell me she’s written something new – I’ll just see an email notification come through and then rush to read it. Her writing is very personal but she agreed to let me share her poem here. This one was especially touching.


Bly sky scrubs.
and a lady eating crackers out of the top drawer of her desk

Those are the details I remember from our first try.

Saturday morning.
new doctor, new hope

Try two looked promising and we both held on to the possibility of meeting you soon.

Third times the charm, we said.
then we cried for the millionth time

I’ve dreamed of you twice baby, where are you? How can we reach your pretty little feet?

Why haven’t you shared your beating heart, your tiny kicks, or morning sickness to mommy and me?

What can we do to hold you in our arms for the first time? Where do we look? How do we make you? Is it because you’re not ready for us? Are we not ready for you?

We get tired of trying sometimes.

Then we remember….even though you’re not real just yet, we hold you tightly in our hearts.

Please hurry home.


Exploring our options…again








Happy October! I can’t believe it’s here already – this year has seriously flown by.

So, next week on the 7th (and 11th) is our wedding anniversary. The 7th was the day we had our wedding ceremony here in Austin and the 11th was the day we made it legal in NY. At the beginning of 2014 we were so sure we’d be pregnant by our 1 yr anniversary. Looks like God has other plans. Plans that we are excited for and hope come soon!

If you read my last post you’re probably looking for an update. Well friends, today my little teapot (Mariel’s nickname) and I are still a family of two. Last month on September 13th we inseminated for the 3rd IUI and found out two weeks later I was not pregnant. Our new donors sperm counts were much higher at 16.5 million and seemed promising! My doctor was confident we’d be pregnant by now but since we’re not suggested I take a low dose of Femara for IUI#4 to induce ovulation and increase my chances of conception. The entire two weeks I just knew it hadn’t worked. I should have felt something – anything – but I didn’t. AF (aunt flow) showed up on the 13th day post IUI and I wasn’t surprised. Just sad I was right.

I don’t know what you do when life hands you a big pile of shit, but the first thing I do is pause and smell the shit. Yeah that sounds disgusting but I hate reacting too quickly! We’re at a place now where we can continue down this same road, start up IUI#4 at double the cost and cross our fingers for the 4th time OR we can switch gears and use a known donor. Or adopt – there’s always adoption.

We aren’t confident which avenue we’re going to take yet. Such huge decisions and each one has it’s long list of pros and cons. Neither is necessarily more or less expensive because both avenues have a long list of unknown variables!

For now we’re doing some research, talking to our lawyer, talking to a known donor we’re interested in adding to our family dynamic and looking into the side effects of Femara. Just knowing I have the month of October off to relax, pay some bills and get my bearings is a huge and welcome relief.

We went into this naively thinking that everything would fall into place. We just know we’ll be parents and it’s not a matter of if but when. This last “not pregnant” was a big blow and took me a good 3 days to get over. However I can say that being able to drink coffee again has helped me get past the funk!

I’d love to hear your experience with this if you’ve been in the same boat.

Till November,


Hoping the 3rd time is a charm

blessing quote

Hi loves! I have some good news and some bad news – I’ll start with the bad so we can end this on a high note :)

So I found out on my 30th birthday last week that IUI #2 was a bust. We were not pregnant. I asked a million questions – “should I start fertility meds?”, “should I inseminate the day I surge instead of the day after or the day of and the day after?” , “what can I do so that we aren’t having this conversation again?” Her answers to my questions were “no”, “no” and “have faith in this process; we’ve been doing it a long time and it will work.”

She then went on to say that after looking over my chart and workup she highly suggested we consider switching donors. What’s interesting is that we’d already been talking about doing just that – so we dried our eyes, called the sperm bank to ask them questions and went about looking for baby daddy numero dos. This next dude better have some good stuff!

When speaking to the sperm bank they mentioned that we can ask for higher count vials – who in the heck would want low count vials? Makes no sense but ladies, ask for high count vials when you order from Fairfax Cryobank! It’s a waste of money otherwise as we’ve learned the hard way.

Now that we have chosen another donor, we’re excited to move forward and try again. This whole process has been tough because you’re spending so much money, you’re so hopeful and you want to start a family so badly but there’s literally nothing you can do about it but be patient, not give up and trust it will happen when it’s supposed to. Of course that’s easier said than done – I want to obsess over everything but all that does is consume my life and I can’t live like that. Every single day we talk about the process, about our future baby, how we want to parent, what the nursery will look like, wonder about how being pregnant will affect our relationship and then we always promise each other to be patient and great listeners to one anothers needs.

Thankfully every let down has done nothing but make us band closer together and move forward with more intent and faith than the time before. When we become pregnant and give birth to our baby, he/she will be so loved and so well planned for. But as we’ve been experiencing, plans are only good intentions!

Since we’re trying again in the near future, I’ll have more updates for you soon.

Baby dust,