Lucky try #6

Hey friends! I don’t have any pregnancy news yet but hope this time will be lucky. Of course I hope that for every try but one of these days we’ll conceive and then I get to say “I knew this time we’d get lucky!”

When you try something over and over again with the same result, it only makes sense to take a breather and approach it from a different angle. You see, multiple tests have revealed I’m perfectly healthy. Literally, there are no concerns from my doctor. When you want something so bad and it doesn’t come to you it can only be two things – 1. God is saying it’s not time. 2. Something physically/emotionally blocking you. It very well may not be our time yet so all we can do is keep trying and trusting it will happen when it’s supposed to. But in the mean time, we want to be as healthy physically and emotionally before bringing a baby into the mix.

With that in mind, in addition to my regular acupuncture appointments (with moxibustion) we had a resonance repatterning session this weekend. A friends Mom is a practitioner and came to our home. We’re very open minded people so thought what the heck why not! Here’s a quick description about what it is:

You know what kind of food, music, work, or people that you “resonate with.”  But that is just the 5% that is in your conscious awareness. The 95% that you are NOT aware of is what drives your life and can’t be solved with mind alone.

A Resonance Repatterning(R) session uses muscle testing (applied kinesiology) to discover what is hidden within you AND that is ready to heal. It is an emotionally releasing process and leads to understanding, forgiveness, and positive change.

Overall it went great! We really enjoyed the session and feel so much more…balanced. One thing we’re already very aware of that came up is our daily power struggle (picture it – two women, both the oldest of 5, both dominant personalities, you get the picture!!) and then we discussed some healthy ways we can work with each others natural energy and dominance while maintaining individual peace.

Later on in the session she asked us, “do you consider yourselves a family?” We looked at each other, both with great pause, and turned to look at her and at the same time said “no.”

Before you get all in a huff, I’ll try to explain where this craziness is coming from. We’re married and we have so much fun together. Mariel is my best friend and most times it feels like we’re two chicks laughing, exercising, doing chores and DIYing together. When the holidays roll around we spend it at our in-laws house or my younger sisters house – we go to the home that has children. To us, children make a family. What we didn’t consider is that we are in fact a family. As lesbians you spend so much time defending your union to the world, so whats natural and normal to most of you is not to us. We love each other, we’re committed to each other, we look after each other, etc. The baby will not make us a family, we are already a family. It’s important that we resonate with this fact and together make space for our baby in our already formed family. What we feel and the ways that we act towards one another and others the child will pick up on. Our hope is the baby will feel a great sense of love between us for each other and them.

We’re in the thick of my fertile time this month so I’ll have news to share in a few weeks. Much love and peace to you friends.

Xoxo,

Vivianarchy

New year same struggle

Happy New Year friends! It’s been a few months since I updated the group but the reason is there’s no real update. I’m still not pregnant. Woop dee doo! In non-baby related news Mariel has started a masters certificate program to be a Nursing Home Administrator and as usual I couldn’t be more proud. I am the luckiest to have such an intelligent and driven woman by my side. Between our full time jobs, rugby, her school and her internship starting in June, I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands. I do enjoy my alone time but too much and I get all depressed. With that in mind, my plan is to sew, exercise and read more books. I don’t know how to sew so I’m going to start with a few simple patterns and take on more complicated patterns from there. Wish me luck!

So in case you want to hear all the TTC details, we’ve moved onto an anonymous known donor and filled out all the legal paperwork with an attorney. Since our 3 failed IUI’s with frozen sperm, we felt that the missing puzzle piece may have been the fact we’re using frozen goods over fresh. You can’t beat fresh!

Moving on with fresh sperm, insemination #4 in November was a bust…and so was #5 in December. During the two week wait of try #4 I experienced what was called “breakthrough bleeding” and the doctor put me on progesterone suppositories…at first I was like does this go in the front or the back? From now on I have to use those after insemination until I begin my cycle. (or until I get pregnant at which point I’d need to be on them for weeks!)

Looking back we were so confident we’d be pregnant by now. Gearing up for try #6 in February and we’re tired of this but golly are we still hopeful. It has to be our time soon right? RIGHT? The money spent is annoying but that’s nothing compared to the emotional toll it’s taken. I was really really down around the holidays and popping my sisters Xanex like there’s no tomorrow but the last few weeks I’ve felt very calm. (and pill free all you worry warts out there reading this)

A friend raved to me about her acupuncturist so I was like what the hey – I’ll give it a shot. I am so thankful I did because it’s done wonders for my outlook and overall well being. Wonders! We also had another sit down with our doctor and she expressed how hopeful she is for us as well and how confident she is that I will get pregnant. My outlook now is just peace that my time will come. We will be mothers. I am a temple with my door open to all the goodness and positivity the world has to offer.

Try #6 next month will be my first medicated cycle. Doc prescribed me Femara so we’re going to do it. This was suggested to us a few cycles ago but we’ve been hesitant as it increases the chance for multiples and we only want one child, not 3! But at this point, I’m like screw it give me all the babies!

Wish me luck guys. I need a miracle to rain down on me from the heavens.

Xoxo,

Vivianarchy

poem from the heart

Mariel blogs from time to time and I just love her work. She loves to write poems and small blurbs. She won’t ever tell me she’s written something new – I’ll just see an email notification come through and then rush to read it. Her writing is very personal but she agreed to let me share her poem here. This one was especially touching.

______________________________________________________________

Bly sky scrubs.
and a lady eating crackers out of the top drawer of her desk

Those are the details I remember from our first try.

Saturday morning.
new doctor, new hope

Try two looked promising and we both held on to the possibility of meeting you soon.

Third times the charm, we said.
then we cried for the millionth time

I’ve dreamed of you twice baby, where are you? How can we reach your pretty little feet?

Why haven’t you shared your beating heart, your tiny kicks, or morning sickness to mommy and me?

What can we do to hold you in our arms for the first time? Where do we look? How do we make you? Is it because you’re not ready for us? Are we not ready for you?

We get tired of trying sometimes.

Then we remember….even though you’re not real just yet, we hold you tightly in our hearts.

Please hurry home.

-CafesitaPoeta

Exploring our options…again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy October! I can’t believe it’s here already – this year has seriously flown by.

So, next week on the 7th (and 11th) is our wedding anniversary. The 7th was the day we had our wedding ceremony here in Austin and the 11th was the day we made it legal in NY. At the beginning of 2014 we were so sure we’d be pregnant by our 1 yr anniversary. Looks like God has other plans. Plans that we are excited for and hope come soon!

If you read my last post you’re probably looking for an update. Well friends, today my little teapot (Mariel’s nickname) and I are still a family of two. Last month on September 13th we inseminated for the 3rd IUI and found out two weeks later I was not pregnant. Our new donors sperm counts were much higher at 16.5 million and seemed promising! My doctor was confident we’d be pregnant by now but since we’re not suggested I take a low dose of Femara for IUI#4 to induce ovulation and increase my chances of conception. The entire two weeks I just knew it hadn’t worked. I should have felt something – anything – but I didn’t. AF (aunt flow) showed up on the 13th day post IUI and I wasn’t surprised. Just sad I was right.

I don’t know what you do when life hands you a big pile of shit, but the first thing I do is pause and smell the shit. Yeah that sounds disgusting but I hate reacting too quickly! We’re at a place now where we can continue down this same road, start up IUI#4 at double the cost and cross our fingers for the 4th time OR we can switch gears and use a known donor. Or adopt – there’s always adoption.

We aren’t confident which avenue we’re going to take yet. Such huge decisions and each one has it’s long list of pros and cons. Neither is necessarily more or less expensive because both avenues have a long list of unknown variables!

For now we’re doing some research, talking to our lawyer, talking to a known donor we’re interested in adding to our family dynamic and looking into the side effects of Femara. Just knowing I have the month of October off to relax, pay some bills and get my bearings is a huge and welcome relief.

We went into this naively thinking that everything would fall into place. We just know we’ll be parents and it’s not a matter of if but when. This last “not pregnant” was a big blow and took me a good 3 days to get over. However I can say that being able to drink coffee again has helped me get past the funk!

I’d love to hear your experience with this if you’ve been in the same boat.

Till November,

Vivianarchy