poem from the heart

Mariel blogs from time to time and I just love her work. She loves to write poems and small blurbs. She won’t ever tell me she’s written something new – I’ll just see an email notification come through and then rush to read it. Her writing is very personal but she agreed to let me share her poem here. This one was especially touching.

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Bly sky scrubs.
and a lady eating crackers out of the top drawer of her desk

Those are the details I remember from our first try.

Saturday morning.
new doctor, new hope

Try two looked promising and we both held on to the possibility of meeting you soon.

Third times the charm, we said.
then we cried for the millionth time

I’ve dreamed of you twice baby, where are you? How can we reach your pretty little feet?

Why haven’t you shared your beating heart, your tiny kicks, or morning sickness to mommy and me?

What can we do to hold you in our arms for the first time? Where do we look? How do we make you? Is it because you’re not ready for us? Are we not ready for you?

We get tired of trying sometimes.

Then we remember….even though you’re not real just yet, we hold you tightly in our hearts.

Please hurry home.

-CafesitaPoeta

Exploring our options…again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy October! I can’t believe it’s here already – this year has seriously flown by.

So, next week on the 7th (and 11th) is our wedding anniversary. The 7th was the day we had our wedding ceremony here in Austin and the 11th was the day we made it legal in NY. At the beginning of 2014 we were so sure we’d be pregnant by our 1 yr anniversary. Looks like God has other plans. Plans that we are excited for and hope come soon!

If you read my last post you’re probably looking for an update. Well friends, today my little teapot (Mariel’s nickname) and I are still a family of two. Last month on September 13th we inseminated for the 3rd IUI and found out two weeks later I was not pregnant. Our new donors sperm counts were much higher at 16.5 million and seemed promising! My doctor was confident we’d be pregnant by now but since we’re not suggested I take a low dose of Femara for IUI#4 to induce ovulation and increase my chances of conception. The entire two weeks I just knew it hadn’t worked. I should have felt something – anything – but I didn’t. AF (aunt flow) showed up on the 13th day post IUI and I wasn’t surprised. Just sad I was right.

I don’t know what you do when life hands you a big pile of shit, but the first thing I do is pause and smell the shit. Yeah that sounds disgusting but I hate reacting too quickly! We’re at a place now where we can continue down this same road, start up IUI#4 at double the cost and cross our fingers for the 4th time OR we can switch gears and use a known donor. Or adopt – there’s always adoption.

We aren’t confident which avenue we’re going to take yet. Such huge decisions and each one has it’s long list of pros and cons. Neither is necessarily more or less expensive because both avenues have a long list of unknown variables!

For now we’re doing some research, talking to our lawyer, talking to a known donor we’re interested in adding to our family dynamic and looking into the side effects of Femara. Just knowing I have the month of October off to relax, pay some bills and get my bearings is a huge and welcome relief.

We went into this naively thinking that everything would fall into place. We just know we’ll be parents and it’s not a matter of if but when. This last “not pregnant” was a big blow and took me a good 3 days to get over. However I can say that being able to drink coffee again has helped me get past the funk!

I’d love to hear your experience with this if you’ve been in the same boat.

Till November,

Vivianarchy

Hoping the 3rd time is a charm

blessing quote

Hi loves! I have some good news and some bad news – I’ll start with the bad so we can end this on a high note :)

So I found out on my 30th birthday last week that IUI #2 was a bust. We were not pregnant. I asked a million questions – “should I start fertility meds?”, “should I inseminate the day I surge instead of the day after or the day of and the day after?” , “what can I do so that we aren’t having this conversation again?” Her answers to my questions were “no”, “no” and “have faith in this process; we’ve been doing it a long time and it will work.”

She then went on to say that after looking over my chart and workup she highly suggested we consider switching donors. What’s interesting is that we’d already been talking about doing just that – so we dried our eyes, called the sperm bank to ask them questions and went about looking for baby daddy numero dos. This next dude better have some good stuff!

When speaking to the sperm bank they mentioned that we can ask for higher count vials – who in the heck would want low count vials? Makes no sense but ladies, ask for high count vials when you order from Fairfax Cryobank! It’s a waste of money otherwise as we’ve learned the hard way.

Now that we have chosen another donor, we’re excited to move forward and try again. This whole process has been tough because you’re spending so much money, you’re so hopeful and you want to start a family so badly but there’s literally nothing you can do about it but be patient, not give up and trust it will happen when it’s supposed to. Of course that’s easier said than done – I want to obsess over everything but all that does is consume my life and I can’t live like that. Every single day we talk about the process, about our future baby, how we want to parent, what the nursery will look like, wonder about how being pregnant will affect our relationship and then we always promise each other to be patient and great listeners to one anothers needs.

Thankfully every let down has done nothing but make us band closer together and move forward with more intent and faith than the time before. When we become pregnant and give birth to our baby, he/she will be so loved and so well planned for. But as we’ve been experiencing, plans are only good intentions!

Since we’re trying again in the near future, I’ll have more updates for you soon.

Baby dust,

Vivianarchy

The TWW is killing me

Hi Loves! A lot has happened since June and I’ve been hesitating to share since this is such a personal and emotional process. But not sharing is also very isolating so here goes!

Since June, we’ve inseminated twice. IUI #1 (intra uterine insemination) was in June and was textbook – I took my temperature every single day, I ovulated on the predicted date, we went in for the procedure, I went home and put my legs up and that was it! Two weeks later, BFN (big fat negative).  We were devastated! I did everything I was supposed to (even had acupuncture!) and the sperm count was high at over 11 million sperm so why didn’t one of those millions of swimmers find my egg?! Being a lesbian, you don’t really know for sure how “easy” it is to get pregnant because you have no contact with sperm. We were oh so hopeful for the first round and it took us a while to get over the fact we weren’t pregnant.

From there we set out planning IUI #2. The first round turned me into an insane person and put a strain on my relationship so for #2 I wanted to be less stressed so we opted to not take my temperature anymore.

Since we started this journey I hoped to try back to back with no time off in between. But we had a big trip planned in July/August to Miami & Costa Rica so July wasn’t an option – we needed every penny for our vacation!

I got AF (aunt flow) at the tail end of our Costa Rica trip so the cycle began all over again. Three days after we returned I scheduled my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test to be performed on Cycle Day (CD) 10, August 13th. It’s a very uncomfortable procedure where they shoot dye inside of you to see if your tubes are blocked but the test also serves as a way to flush the fallopian tubes and women are usually more fertile up to 3 months after the procedure is done.  It was optional and the cost was totally out of pocket but I’m willing to do anything to increase my chances of conception! From there I expected to ovulate on CD14 – but ended up ovulating early on CD12.

Excited we called the cryobank and our doctor and scheduled IUI#2 for the next day. It was a Saturday which was amazing because I didn’t have to work, we could just relax all day. It was also exciting because it was the first time something wasn’t planned – it just happened which felt right.

Fast forward to today, I’m 11DPIUI (days past IUI). We go in for a blood test THIS FRIDAY (13DPIUI) to find out if I’m pregnant or not. Friday, August 29th is coincidentally also my 30th Birthday so I’m a wreck! I want to be excited for my birthday but this process is so all encompassing that I basically don’t give a crap about my birthday. Isn’t that terrible! I also keep thinking God wouldn’t do that to me – why would he give me a BFN on my birthday? C’mon God you know that’s cruel! All I want for my birthday is a BFP! (big fat positive)

If you’ve gone through this you know the TWW (two week wait) is agonizing. Luckily I’ve had friends and family making me feel optimistic about it. My new friend and neighbor even brought me good luck socks in green and a little jar of baby dust! It was the sweetest thing and made me feel good about this whole thing. This round feels different and there are signs everywhere but you know how it is – when you want something really bad, everything is a sign!

We’re doing everything to stay busy and keep ourselves occupied until Friday. Baby dust to all of you out there in the same boat. All we can do is stay positive and hopeful and trust that pregnancy will happen when it’s our turn. If we get our BFP, you’ll hear me screaming with joy and if I don’t I’ll post about our plans for Round #3 next month.

Much love,

Vivianarchy